Wounded

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel -Johnny Depp

My doctor read this quote on his lecture today and my friend post it on her facebook status right away. It quite gave me a hit because this is something I have been thinking about for several days.

There are painkillers to your body, but not your heart. While you can use anti-depressants or lithium or haloperidol to control your brain’s emotion you can’t do the same with your heart. Your heart is something those sciences can’t touch. Your heart is somehow strong yet vulnerable because only feelings can penetrate it.

Bitterness, anger, resentment, I realize these feelings are self-destructive. They consume you cruel enough until you afraid you can be someone you are not.

I am experiencing it. Those horrible feelings whisper evil again and again, persuade me to do tempting yet sinful acts. I fell for it a lot. And I’ll cry to God right away for doing something He doesn’t fond of.

Maybe the good part of this is I lean closer to God. I realize I spend more time praying and crying for help. I make myself think about Him when the evil voices come. I surrender.

And I learn a lot about love. Not just about, but to love. It’s easy to love someone who is nice and love you back. But it is difficult to do the opposite. It is hard to love someone who hurts you, especially if that person is dear to you.  It is hard to love with disappointment on your heart. And I am struggling to do it.

I learn to forgive, to forget, to love. It is not easy. But there will be no gain without pain, right?

My mother once told me that problems—especially the big one that can make you kneel in front of God is like a stage of game. Once you nailed and got through it, you’ll be one level up. Maybe it is something like that; maybe what I am going through now is a way to level up. Again.

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