A whisper to God

Exam and problem really aren’t a good combination. It’s like a double trouble. And this is when writing becomes a need to me. A therapy. So, this post will be all about my complaints and grumbles. You can skip it if you are not interested.

I realize I spend less time at home these days. It’s like I always find an excuse to come home late. Studying, hang out, etc, etc. I made reasons. Lots of it. Why am I so unwilling to come home? I asked myself. And the answer right there all of the time, I always know it.

I am running. Home lately isn’t the nicest place on earth—oh, except my own bedroom. I feel the air so heavy whenever I’m at home. It’s the same old story I always try to ignore. The same thing I never try to solve. The same thing I always try to forget. It works sometimes—most of the time, but at the certain time I never know, it’ll erupt again. And like this time, it’s erupting. Creating more scars, more weight. And I’m tired.

I’m tired.

That’s the point.

I know running won’t solve my problem, but facing it will drain all of my energy. And I’m already exhausted right now. But when I was writing this post, I did a blogwalking and someone on her blog write this: ‘… and when it hurts badly, whisper to God how much it’s hurt’. This sentence stunned me. When there is nothing we can do, and there is no one around, isn’t God the only person who always care?

And I whisper to Him. “It’s hurt, God.”

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Tentang Seseorang

“Kalian orang Jakarta memang selalu seperti ini ya?” begitu teman saya pernah bertanya.

“Begini gimana?” Saya mengernyit, meski kira-kira saya tahu kemana pembicaraan kami akan mengarah.

“Terlalu individualistis,” jawabnya.

Saya terdiam sejenak. Teman saya ini berasal dari luar Jakarta. ‘Anak daerah’, kalau kata anak-anak Jakarta. Sedikit banyak saya setuju dengan pendapatnya.

 I think I care enough. I think I love enough. But I am wrong.

“Di daerah, kami nggak kayak gini. Kalau teman dekat ya dekat banget, udah kayak keluarga,” ia menambahkan.

Kalau dipikir-pikir, saya belajar banyak dari teman saya yang satu ini. Dan satu hal yang paling banyak saya pelajari dari dia adalah tentang kepedulian. Teman saya ini adalah tipe teman yang selalu menanyakan apa saya sudah sampai di rumah selepas saya mengantarnya pulang ke kosan. Teman yang rela membawa barang belanjaan saya saat saya sedang memilih belanjaan lain. Teman yang menanyakan apa saya lelah menyetir dan menawarkan bergantian menyetir. Dan teman saya ini adalah orang pertama yang pernah bilang,’Maaf ya nggak sempat nanyain kabarmu, aku sibuk banget belakangan ini’.

Hal yang terakhir membuat saya banyak berpikir. Sejak kapan menanyakan kabar saya menjadi kewajibannya? Saya nggak pernah menanyakan kabarnya tapi teman saya ini merasa bersalah saat tidak sempat memberikan waktunya untuk saya. Satu hal yang terlintas di benak saya saat itu adalah,’Saya belum menjadi teman yang baik’.

Dari situ saya baru ngeh tentang betapa bedanya pergaulan di kota besar seperti Jakarta dengan daerah. Sejak kenal teman saya yang satu ini saya juga jadi sadar betapa cueknya saya terhadap teman-teman saya—bahkan yang paling dekat sekali pun. Saya rasa gaya hidup yang serba independen dan mandiri di kota semetropolitan Jakarta nggak seharusnya membuat kita jadi lupa. Lupa dengan teman-teman kita, lupa kalau selama ini kita tidak cukup peduli. Saya kira selama ini saya cukup peduli dengan teman-teman saya. Tapi, ternyata peduli itu lebih dari sekadar ngebayarin makan di saat teman kita lagi nggak bawa uang. Menjadi benar-benar peduli itu susah, dan saya masih belajar. Belajar memberi perhatian untuk teman-teman saya, belajar memperlakukan mereka seperti keluarga sendiri, belajar menjadi teman yang baik untuk mereka.

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A Happy Post

One of my friends told me today that she has a lot of things to worry about. Most of her problems are mine too—college things. Then, she asked me, “You don’t seem too worry because of all these stuffs. How can you do that?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, “Maybe I’m just not a worrying type person”.

As I think about the question later, things started to pop in my head. I do have a lot of stuffs to be worried and stressed about. The pressure is getting tensed. Things maybe won’t go well. But, beside of those worrying things, I also have a lot of things to be grateful for. And when I say a lot of, I really mean it. There is really A LOT of things to be thankful for.

I have several projects to be done and all of it related to writing—which I love the most! And these things are huge enough for me to be happy. Lucky? No. I am blessed. Really, really, blessed.

Isn’t it a waste to worry over little things when you have things that make you happy? Why do you worry when you can choose to be happy? Be happy and use the energy to make your worries go away. Thank God for every little happiness you have. Smile for every little things you can think of and kiss your worries goodbye.

Be happy :)

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Defying Common Sense

One word that occupies my head these days: Forgive. I find it kind of hard to forgive someone who hurt you so bad. I tell the story to some of my friends and most of them said something like, ‘it’s normal if you hate him, I’d do the same too,’ or, ’hate him, let him know that he deserves to be hated’. And as I listen to those same voices, it’s getting harder to forgive.

But deep down in my heart I realize, I am tired of hating that person. I am tired looking at him and not saying a word. I am tired of letting hatred consume me. I want to forgive, but the other side of my heart says the opposite, ‘Do you want to forgive someone who treat you bad? Who make you suffer? Don’t you want to make him know that he is guilty? You’ll loose your pride if you forgive him.’

Pride. One of human’s biggest enemy. I struggle with this thing for quite a long time, until I tell one of my friends. Someone who rarely (maybe never) thinks bad about other people. Someone who makes me think that maybe there is a fine line between stupid and kind. This friend of mine is unbelievably nice she never hate people who treat her bad. I sometimes confront her but she tells me that it’s okay. I can’t understand. How is it going to be okay if our hearts are hurt? How is it going to be all right if people think that you are a fool? Why don’t you take a stand for yourself instead of playing good?

When I told her that I couldn’t forgive someone, she is the first person who asked me to let go. “Forget it for it’s already happened. You can’t change it anyway,” she said and there’s come a long silent from me. I know it is true. It’s defies any common sense but I know it’s the answer I’m looking for this whole time. To love and forgive your enemy without any recompense sounds ridiculous and hard and illogical. But, I think, isn’t this that God wants us to do? To love even if the world tells us to hate. To break the world’s logic. It’s not going to be easy, I know, but He already done it for us on the cross. He shows us the true love and asks us to pass it to each other.

As I see my friend’s life and realize that people who treat her bad are having their own problems and difficulties, I understand that asking payback isn’t human’s job. It is God’s. Our task is to love, and love, and love. Only loving others, and let God do the rest.

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Under the dancing stars

The universe isn’t made of atoms. It is made of tiny stories.

So, let me tell you this tiny story of us. A story you probably won’t remember but will last forever in my heart. Because I treasure you. Every memory of us.

Tanah perkemahan Cibubur, kelas 10, semester 2.

Aku menerawang menatap api unggun yang menari-nari memakan kayu. Sekujur tubuhku bergetar menahan hawa dingin yang menusuk tulang. Waktu menunjukkan pukul delapan malam, dan kelompokku baru saja tiba setengah jam yang lalu. Kelompok terakhir yang sialnya dihajar hujan jauh sebelum kami tiba di perkemahan.

“Elo baik-baik aja?” kamu masuk ke dalam lingkaran yang mengitari api unggun dan duduk di sebelahku.

“Badan gue udah mau patah,” Aku mendengus keras, tidak pernah suka dengan camping atau kegiatan semacamnya yang berkenaan dengan alam.

“Baru juga jadi pasien yang ditandu. Gimana kalau disuruh ngangkat tandu?” kamu tertawa kecil dengan suara beratmu.

“Tapi gue nunggu temen-temen gue di hutan sendiri tau. Kehujanan dan kedinginan, sementara kelompok lain udah pergi duluan”. Aku tidak mau kalah, entah kenapa di matamu semua masalah selalu terlihat kecil.

“Ngeluh melulu,” kamu menjitak kepalaku.

“Biarin. Gue capek”.

“Lihat,” kamu menunjuk ke langit. “Bintangnya terang dan banyak banget.”

“Namanya juga di pinggir kota,” aku ikut menengadah,”Di Jakarta jarang banget ya bisa lihat yang begini”.

“Gue rasa bukan itu alasannya,” kamu menggeleng. “Gue rasa bintang-bintangnya bersinar seterang ini soalnya mereka tahu ada orang yang lagi butuh cahaya”.

Aku mengernyit menatapmu.

“Elo,” kamu menjawab,”Muka lo suram banget sih. Jadi bintang-bintangnya pasti berpikir untuk menyinari elo malam ini”.

Aku terperangah. Tidak pernah menyangka kalau ucapan seperti itu akan keluar dari mulut isengmu.

“Bagus kan kalimat gue?” kamu nyengir.

“Norak,” cibirku. Kamu protes tidak terima dan aku hanya mendengarmu samar-samar, karena detik itu juga aku mensyukuri keberadaanku.

Di bawah hamparan bintang dan di atas rumput yang basah sehabis hujan aku mensyukuri begitu banyak hal. Aku bersyukur memilih bersekolah di sini, aku bersyukur memilih PMR dibanding pramuka, dan yang paling penting, aku bersyukur mengenalmu. Aku memang tidak pernah menyukai camping, tapi camp pelantikan anggota PMR kelas 10 di semester 2 adalah camp favoritku hingga detik ini. Dan kalau waktu bisa diputar kembali, aku ingin kembali ke masa-masa itu. Masa di mana aku dapat duduk bersinggungan denganmu, masa di mana aku dapat mengekorimu lewat sudut mataku, masa di mana aku dapat mengobrol denganmu.

You don’t remember, do you? The day when you call my name like no one else, the day when you make me love something I hate the most. It’s okay if you don’t remember, it is just a tiny story after all. A tiny story that takes part in the universe. A tiny story of me and you.

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